SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy, written by Al Nennig
I've always been a huge fan of the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches done on SNL, Will Ferrel's incredibly proper Trebek forced to endure the dumbest and crudest of celebrity impressions makes for some good comedy. I figured it might be fun to try my hand at writing one, so a couple of years ago, I did. It went through several revisions and eventually came out to be what you see here. Enjoy!
CAST:
Alex Trebek: Will Farrell
Sean Connery: Darrel Hammond
Jim Carrey: Mark McKinney
Woody Allen: Dana Carvey
Trebek:
Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I was told I would never have to do this again, but apparently Mr. Connery gave a generous donation to the producers, so despite my best efforts, here I am…again.
Connery:
And I assure you , Alex, it’ll be worth every penny.
Trebek:
Great, just great. Anyway, getting back to the game, its now time for Double Jeopardy, let’s look at the scores. First, with $-4000, we have director and actor, Woody Allen.
Allen:
It’s just…fantastic to be here Alex, I mean, heh, just fantastic. Also, could I take a moment to say “Hi” to my stepdaughter?
Trebek:
No. Next up, with $-8,700, we have actor Jim Carrey.
Carrey (standing on the podium, talking through his butt):
Hey Alex, its great to be here, no ifs, ands, or BUTTS about it! AAAHAAHAAHAAHA!!!
Trebek:
That’s disgusting. And finally, with a staggering $-42,300, Mr. Sean Connery.
Connery:
Its good to be back too, you Canadian pansy.
Trebek:
Already starting with that, I see. I’ll let that go for now, let’s take a look at the board. The categories are “Potent Potables,” “TV Shows That End in ‘Einfeld,’” “Movies,” mind you these will all be movies one of you have appeared in. “Basic Addition,” “Things With Eight Legs,” “The Five Senses,” and finally, “Free Money,” where whoever picks the category will automatically get the dollar amount shown. Mr. Allen, I believe the board is yours.
Allen:
Um, yes, I guess I’ll take “The History of Cattle” for $17.
Trebek:
(sigh) Mr. Carrey, why don’t you pick the category?
Carrey:
ALRIGHTY THEN!!! AAAAHAAHAAHA!!! I’ll take “Basic Addition” for $500.
Trebek:
Very well, “Basic Addition for $500. The answer is: Two plus Two equals this number.
Carrey:
That’s an easy one, Alex, its 22.
Trebek:
No, and remember to please phrase your response in the form of a question. (Woody Allen buzzes in) Yes, Mr. Allen.
Allen:
What is 22?
Trebek:
No.
Allen:
But I distinctly heard you say to answer in the--
Trebek:
22 is not the right answer, Mr. Allen. The correct answer is four. Two plus two is four. Nobody got that, amazing.
Allen:
Well, I, uh, I mean, sheesh, I just thought that because you had to answer in, you know, the form of the question, that I would--
Trebek:
Apologies aren’t necessary, Mr. Allen. Mr. Carrey, you still have control of the board.
Carrey:
That’s correct, Alex because I’M SSSSSMOKIN’!!! AAAAHAAHAA!!! I’ll take that “Einfeld” thingy for $200.
Trebek:
“TV Shows Ending in ‘Einfeld’” for $200. And the answer is: The popular ‘90’s sitcom starring Jerry Seinfeld ends in ‘Einfeld.’ (Sean Connery buzzes in) Yes, Sean Connery.
Connery:
Antiques Road Show.
Trebek:
No.
Connery:
I’m getting awfully tired of your games, Trebek.
Trebek:
The answer was wrong, Mr. Connery. That’s not my fault.
Connery:
You better watch yourself, Trebek.
Trebek:
Moving on, Jim Carrey still has control of the board.
Carrey:
Spank you, Alex, spank you very much. I’ll take “Eight Legged Thingies” for $245,000.
Trebek:
That’s “Things With Eight Legs” for $300. This is a picture clue, I will show you a picture on the monitor and you have to tell me what it is. (Board shows a picture of a spider.) Name this eight legged thing. (Woody Allen buzzes in.) Yes, Woody Allen.
Allen: I once saw this one bug thing, it had eight legs, and, um, I was really scared of those things, and this one was huge, like the size of a Buick! So, you know, I, uh--
Trebek:
You know what it is, Mr. Allen, just say it.
Allen:
So when I saw it…
Trebek:
It’s a spider. Just say “What is a spider.”
Allen:
I started, uh, shaking and screaming and I--
Trebek:
Sorry, times up. It’s a Spider! I can’t believe none of you got this. Sadly, the board is still Jim Carrey’s, however, he seems to be pre-occupied at the moment. (Camera cuts to Carrey with his fist crammed into his mouth. He notices the camera and waves with his free hand.) I’ll just choose a category for him. I pick “Movies” for $100. Remember now, all the questions in this category are about movies one or more of you have been in. The answer is: This is the title character of the movie ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.’
(Long silence as no one buzzes in.)
Trebek:
This is the title character of the movie ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.’ Now that you’ve freed your hand, Mr. Carrey, perhaps you’d like to give this one a shot. (Carrey buzzes in) Jim Carrey.
Carrey:
Oh, I dunno, how ‘bout Indiana Jones.
Trebek:
No. (Sean Connery buzzes in) Mr. Connery.
Connery:
That’s simple, Alex, it’s a Mr. I. P. Standing.
Trebek:
I. P. Standing?
Connery:
I’d be surprised if you did. Ha ha HA!
Trebek:
Alright, I’m getting tired of this, let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is “Theoretical Physics.” Okay, I don’t think this one will work for you guys (tears up card). Just tell me how you feel. (Jeopardy music starts, camera shows celebrities writing down things.) You could be happy, or sad, or angry. If you wanted to, you could tell me that you feel with your hands. (Music ends) Okay, times up. Let’s see what Woody Allen wrote. He wrote down “Send me money.”
Allen:
Yeah, uh, my last five films didn’t do so well. In fact, they were kinda, you know, total failures. I’d just like to--
Trebek:
Okay, we come now to Jim Carrey. He wrote “Alright.” He apparently feels alright. That is indeed a feeling, so let’s see what he wrote down as a wager. He wagered “y then.” “Alrighty then.”
Carrey:
ALRIGHTY THEN!!!
Trebek:
Spectacular. Just great. Finally, we come to Sean Connery. He answered, “I feel sorry.” I don’t understand.
Connery:
I was mean and I called you names before. That was out of line, and I want you to know I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.
Trebek:
Well, thanks, I guess. You kind of caught me off guard there. I was expecting some type of insult from you. Thank you. That was a correct response, so let’s see what you wagered. “for your boyfriend.” “I feel sorry for your boyfriend.” Great, just great.
Connery:
Because you’re gay.
Trebek:
Yes, I get it. Well done. I hope your proud of yourself. I should have known better.
Connery:
HA HA HA HA!!! Yeah, you should have. You’re too easy, Trebek. I couldn’t help myself. HA HA HAAA!!!
Trebek:
Well that’s it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I’m going home to drink, then shoot myself. Goodnight.
END
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